


it's hard to breathe, but that's alright

by escapismandsharpobjects



Category: Prodigal Son (TV 2019)
Genre: Bad Things Happen Bingo, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Malcolm Bright Whump, Panic Attacks, Post Episode: s01e20 Like Father...
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:33:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23990848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/escapismandsharpobjects/pseuds/escapismandsharpobjects
Summary: written for BTHB prompt: panic attack. after the events of the finale, malcolm works a case where one of the victims' murders hits a little close to home.
Relationships: Gil Arroyo & Malcolm Bright
Comments: 20
Kudos: 82





	it's hard to breathe, but that's alright

**Author's Note:**

> hello!!! i hope you enjoy this fic! tw for descriptions of a panic attack  
> title from cradles by sub urban

It had been just over a month since... _ that day.  _ Malcolm was doing... _ okay _ wasn’t really the right word (his sister  _ had  _ been arrested for murder, and his father figure  _ had  _ been stabbed and nearly died, after all), but  _ fine. _ Yes. He was fine. He had definitely  _ not  _ been throwing himself into work to avoid thinking about, well, pretty much everything that wasn’t work. Definitely not.

There was a case to work right now, anyway. A case which needed a profiler. And it had been a month. He didn’t need to take any more time to ‘process.’ Never mind the fact that Gil and Dani and JT and Edrisa and his mother and practically everyone else in his life had advised him to do just that. There was work to be done.

The case was a tricky one-two people were dead already, killed in wildly different, bloody ways. They had both been fairly wealthy, and they had belonged to the same church. However, not a single regular member of the church had any information, and nearly all of them had alibis-both victims had been killed during the main service, two Sundays apart. 

Malcolm had been building up a profile all week, and he had made some serious progress that had Gil reluctantly admitting that  _ yes,  _ it was good that Malcolm was here instead of at home doing nothing but thinking of being here. They had a fairly small list of suspects now, and currently, Malcolm was talking with Dani about how they might whittle that list down further.

But before the two could really get to discussing the suspects, Gil poked his head into the room and announced that there’d been another murder, which wasn’t  _ confirmed  _ to be connected to the case, but which surely  _ was, _ given what was known about the victim.

“It’s not Sunday…” Malcolm thought aloud, as he, Gil, and Dani hurried outside. “Our killer’s changing up his ritual…”

On the drive to the crime scene, Malcolm tried to work out why the killer would have deviated from what had been his routine-perhaps this had simply been an opportunity that was too good to pass up, or maybe it was some obscure Christian holiday that the killer felt a connection to, or maybe the killings being on Sundays had been merely coincidental…

They pulled up in front of the crime scene, a small apartment building with sturdy brick steps and a penthouse at the top-the victim’s home, Malcolm assumed, given the financial status of the two previous victims.

Before they went into the building, Gil pulled Malcolm aside, gesturing to the rest of his team to go on ahead. 

“What?” Malcolm asked, impatient to get inside and analyze the scene.

“The man had his throat cut,” Gil said. “I just want you to be careful, okay? If you’re uncomfortable about-”

“I’m  _ fine, _ Gil,” Malcolm interrupted. He’d seen people with their throats cut before.  _ Most recently Nicholas Endicott,  _ his mind supplied.  _ His blood on Ainsley’s face, the look in her eyes when she realized what she’d done… _

He shook his head slightly, as though his brain was an etch-a-sketch and he could stop his train of thought just like that. He was  _ fine. Fine. _

The two of them entered the building, and, just as Malcolm suspected, took the elevator up to the penthouse. 

Inside, everyone else had already gotten to work. Crime scene techs were poking around in the main living area, and a line of bright yellow police tape sectioned off one of the bedrooms. Malcolm could faintly hear JT saying something inside. 

Malcolm stepped towards the door, and was just about to duck under the tape when Gil stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. Malcolm whirled to face him, irritated. _ It’s fine, _ he reminded himself. “I already said I’m fine, Gil. Really.”

Concern was painted over the older man’s face. “I know, kid. I also know you’re not. Be careful.”

“You already told me that,” Malcolm replied, and ducked beneath the tape, Gil following close behind.

“Malcolm!” Edrisa’s voice came from a corner, where she was hunched over a body mostly obstructed from view by the bed. She stood up, a smile on her face, but she looked surprised. Worried.  _ Why did everyone seem so worried about him?  _ He was  _ fine. _ “I wasn’t sure if you’d be here-but never mind! You’ve gotta see this, it’s wild…”

Malcolm walked over to where the body was. As more of it came into view, he reminded himself to be calm. He was fine. He’d seen plenty of people with their throats cut.  _ He was fine. _

Malcolm saw the body, the blood pooling around the man’s neck, the bloodied knife that had to have been the murder weapon lying across his chest, its blade glistening scarlet, and was decidedly  _ not fine. _

He backed up instinctively, and then kept backing up. He smacked into Gil, who reached out for him, but Malcolm spun around and ran the rest of the way out of the room.  _ He had to get out...he needed… _

He couldn’t think. He could barely breathe. Some small part of his mind registered that he was still in a crime scene and that he couldn’t disturb the evidence. A larger part of his mind registered that he was about to have a panic attack, and that he needed  _ out. _ He made it halfway down the stairwell before he collapsed on a landing, curling into himself.  _ Stop stop stop stop...Ainsley, Gil, blood, blood everywhere, bloody knives _ **_,_ ** _ bloody bodies, the hospital, the living room, all of it too much, too much, too much- _

“Malcolm?”

A hand softly touched his knee, and he jerked backwards. His breathing was uneven and ragged and he just wanted to scream, or collapse, or...he couldn’t focus, couldn’t think, everything was  _ toomuchtoomuchtoomuch- _

A warm presence settled down next to him, not touching him, not trying to even talk to him, just  _ there. _

One clear thought made its way to the front of his racing mind.  _ Gil. _ It had to be Gil sitting next to him on the landing. It couldn’t be anyone else.  _ Gil. Gil was alive and okay and he could make it stop. He could fix it. _

Malcolm flung himself sideways, burying his face in Gil’s neck. A pair of arms wrapped loosely around him, holding him to the earth. A hand rubbed circles into his back. 

He tried to focus on the things he could sense. Gil’s arms, of course. The faint sound of traffic on the street, mostly masked by the sound of his own deep, ragged breaths. Those breaths picked up the scent of Gil-the cologne he always wore, layered with the faint scent of spices and something thick and heavy like smoke. He’d been in this position many times before, coming down from a panic attack with Gil’s arms around him, breathing in the scent that would eventually smell like  _ home.  _

He shifted a little, turning his face so it was no longer buried in Gil’s neck, but instead so that his left cheek was pressed into Gil’s chest. He stared at the wall and tried to even out his breathing. Gil said nothing, simply holding Malcolm, grounding him, until he felt ready to talk.

After some time, Malcolm felt a sense of order begin to come back to his mind.  _ Gil was alive.  _ He was alive, and he was okay, which resolved about half of Malcolm’s panic. He took a deep, steady breath, and became suddenly aware that he was crying. 

As soon as he realized this fact, he realized that he couldn’t stop, and suddenly he was sobbing. Gil’s arms tightened around him slightly, and a hand ran gently through his hair. He cried for what felt like hours, though in reality it was only minutes. He ended his sobs with a soft hiccup and a “sorry” which was muffled into the fabric of Gil’s jacket. 

“It’s okay, kid.”

“I’m not.”

“I know. I shouldn’t have brought you here.”

“‘S not your fault.”

“Malcolm-”

“No.” Malcolm took another deep breath. “It all would have come out anyway.”

An understanding nod. “You wanna talk about it?”

“Not really.”

“Kid…”

“Not now, I mean. I will...I’ll talk about it. Just, just later.”

“Okay,” Gil said, and gently shifted Malcolm off of his shoulder. He stood up, and offered Malcolm a hand. “Let’s get you home.”

“The crime scene-” Malcolm tried to protest.

“The crime scene is in good hands. And you are too, alright?” Gil shuffled his feet, hand still extended. “Anytime you want to talk, I’m here.” 

Malcolm nodded, and finally took Gil’s hand. “Thanks.”  _ You almost weren’t here, _ he thought, and then tried to stop thinking of it. He’d had enough panic for one day.

“Anytime.” Gil wrapped an arm loosely around Malcolm’s shoulders and guided him the rest of the way down the stairs. As though he could read Malcolm’s mind, he added, “I’m always gonna be here for you, okay? Always.”

Malcolm nodded and mustered up a smile that felt almost genuine. Gil wasn’t going anywhere, and Malcolm wasn’t okay, but Gil knew this now, he knew this and he wasn’t leaving. And Ainsley was still in trouble, but Gil was alive, and Gil could help. Gil could make it okay. 

_ Everything was going to be okay. _ Not today, and not tomorrow, and maybe not for a long time. But it would be. One day, everything would be fine.

**Author's Note:**

> in my editing of this fic i truly became aware of my affinity for italics and ellipses lol. sorry if there are Too Many i just like the Emotion of them yknow? anyway thanks so much for reading this!! please feel free to let me know what u think!!


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